SWF Searching for Cure

I had an epiphany today: I take myself way too seriously. This is a depressing thought to me. Very depressing.

I’m pretty sure I was born with this disability. Now that I can identify it, I recall very clearly doing this when I was in elementary school. Would you like me to spell that out for you? E-L-E-M-E-N-T-A-R-Y. Want proof? Here it is:

I had crushes, just like any kid. All my friends wrote, “I love so-and-so” all over the place, including the bathroom stalls. Some of them knew who I liked, but even then I didn’t like advertising it. When they would tease me and say, “Alaina loves so-and-so,” this was my response (are you ready for this? Keep in mind that I am somewhere between 7 and 10 when I said this)… “I don’t love him, I only like him. I’m too young to know what love is.”

Haha! Are you kidding me?

This was my theme for years. I knew that one day I would find out what love really was, but today was not that day. So for now, I only had crushes. Strong though they may have been, they were still only crushes for me. When I was 16, I even me the guy I was “going to marry,” but I still only had a crush. I knew I would fall in love when the time was right and for some reason, it just wasn’t right. I didn’t understand that if I was going to marry him, but I accepted it for what it was and kept going with my life.

Boyfriends came and went and I was constantly aware that I did not love any of them. Until one. I finally knew what love was. It was true love, too – I literally would have died for him.

Aaaaand it didn’t work out. So now what happens to me? Just take a wild guess. Being one who takes herself too seriously, I hang onto that idea of the love that existed and won’t let go of it. I stop having crushes. “If I can’t have it again, I just won’t ever get close to a serious relationship again.” I don’t even give guys a chance anymore – they’ve become toys for me and people that I keep at a distance no matter what. If he has any hold on me, it’s that I like having him around or I feel obligated to. Any guy who says he is interested in me makes me laugh hysterically behind his back.

I need to change, but I don’t know how to. I need a cure. I am certainly not saying that I need a guy to enter my life and change me. That’s not going to happen. The change has to come from inside. I need to learn somehow on my own that it’s ok to loosen up and let people in. I need to re-learn that it’s ok to have crushes – just because I fell in love once does not mean that I have to find a crush that I could fall in love with this time. It could be one of those high school crushes. And most of all, I need to learn what I never knew how to do: just let go and enjoy life as it comes. Don’t wait so long for something to happen. Live in the moment. Make the little things that matter happen now so that I have memories later. I shouldn’t look forward to the future saying that the moment I’m in isn’t the one I’m waiting for.

So. Any ideas on how to create change inside oneself? I am definitely open to suggestions. Until I get some, however, I guess I just gotta start practicing focusing on the things in front of my face. No more glazed eyes looking far off in the distance. The new me begins now, even if it is slowly. She’ll speed up as she learns to walk. Hopefully this is the cure I’m looking for.