My Lifesaver

So last…week, month, whatever, I wrote about one of my brothers. I have 3 of them and 2 sisters and, having a good relationship with all of them, I decided to dedicate a post to each one of them. My next subject: Michael.

When I was 10, Michael (the youngest) came into our lives. Poor kid was accident prone right off the bat. His femur bone was broken when he was about 6 months old or so, and he was put into a body cast with a hole cut into the butt so we could change his diaper. Once he burned his hand on the iron. That was unnerving. It’s continued throughout his life. A couple years ago, he snapped both of his wrists cleanly in half whilst playing around the rafters of an unfinished house in the rain. Smart kid. You definitely learn what not to do with him around.

All growing up, though, I never felt like I really knew him. After I went on a mission and came home, instead of moving out immediately, I decided to live at home for a while where JJ and Michael were still living. I wanted to develop a relationship with them that I hadn’t been able to because of the age gap. High School and College during Elementary School years. So I stayed put and hung around them as much as I could.

One of the best things I could have done. I felt like I was starting to get closer to them. I felt my relationship with Michael was particularly affected since I knew him the least.

But I still didn’t know him very well. I knew the laughing part of him, the teasing part, the up-front part. He’s my brother. Typically you know more than just the shell. As much fun as the teasing, the laughing, the getting along quite nicely was, I somehow still missed him. I didn’t know what it was.

Then something happened. The darling was uber accident prone and got himself into some trouble. Some pretty bad trouble. It killed us all. I mean, as a family, we’ve never for a second waivered from supporting him and letting him know that we still love him, no matter what. He was put into juvie, and Mom and Dad visit him every week. Us kids visit him whenever we can. It seemed like I was the only failure.

I still loved him and that was what hurt. He writes to us every month at least once. In his letters, he would ask us to write him back. I felt so awful with guilt every time I read that line because I couldn’t. I didn’t know what to say. It wasn’t like I was going to chew him out if I didn’t hold myself back. I just didn’t have any words.

Then one day I decided it was time. I missed him. So I wrote to him, letting him know at first that I’d been hurt, then letting him know that I’ll always love him. He wrote back immediately and since then we’ve been in constant contact. I’ve gone by myself to visit him, just the two of us. In those talks and letters, I’ve found someone that I rarely have: someone to tell everything to. Poor kid! He gets it all! I mean AAALLLLLL. He hears everything about me that I hate, everything I’ve done that I wish I hadn’t, all of my weaknesses, things that have happened to me that to me were traumatic in their own ways (they’d be no big deal to anyone else, I’m sure of it; I’m pretty weak). He hears it all.

And he listens. He asks me questions. I remember one day I was sitting with him in the visiting room. Something had just recently happened in my life that affected me so much (like I said – weak) and I could hardly get past a certain point of conversation. I’d kept it light up to a point and then I couldn’t hold it anymore and my voice cracked when my thoughts wouldn’t stop. His face got serious and worried immediately. “Alaina,” he said softly. “What happened?” When I couldn’t talk or said it wasn’t anything really big at all, he repeated the question more firmly, more concernedly. “What happened?”
Of all the people that I know, if I think about it, I can honestly say that he is the one I am most proud of. I have never in my life been more proud of anyone or SO proud of anyone. Ever. He is now a 4.0 student when he was getting barely in the 1’s, if I am correct. His views on life have changed from “I don’t give a shit” to “This is something worth living.” He’s got a plan for his life and everything. He is, quite frankly, amazing. Absolutely.

I miss him. I wish I could see him every day. He gives me a kind of hope that I rarely allow myself to feel; I’d rather not feel hope so that I don’t lose it when I fail. But with him around, I still just can’t help but feel this one – if he can climb up so far, maybe one day I can, too.

Metamorphosis

It was a beautiful sunny day; the sky was clear, the air was cool and not cold; and we were stuck indoors. Such is the life of many Americans. We work indoors for a huge percentage of our lives. On this particular day, however, we were required to step outside just long enough to cross the parking lot and go to our other company building where they were holding a “quarterly meeting.”

We walked slowly, enjoying our momentary freedom. Walking there we took our time…on our way back we took even more time because we didn’t have a deadline for a meeting to start.

My friend/coworker and I were taking the long way around – the one with the most sun – chatting about this and that, when suddenly we both stopped abruptly in our tracks. Crossing the sidewalk as though it were a large road to put behind him was a fuzzy caterpillar.

Trivia on Alaina: since I was a little girl, I’ve always loved caterpillars if only for one thing…they turn into beautiful beings that should be absolutely impossible for something so slow, so simple, so earthbound and so ugly to turn into.

“Awww!!” Both of us coo, looking down on the innocent little creature who is unaware of the turn its life is about to take. In fact, I think that only I was aware of the turn his short life was about to take. I bent down and allowed him to crawl onto my hand, standing up slowly once he did. After a few moments of evaluating and studying the little guy, the two of us continued our trek back to our desks. I hardly took my eyes off of him.

When I got back to my desk, I had nothing but an empty water bottle to put him into. So I did and was awed as I watched him crawl from one droplet of water to the next and saw each drop slowly disappear as an invisible mouth too small to see gulped it up. It was amazing. So simple, but so amazing. At the end of work, I took him home and put him in a little container that can hold probably a gallon of liquid, gave it a floor of dirt and some plants, complete with a stick he could climb up onto to spin his cocoon when he was ready.

A few days later, he spun a cocoon. On the ground. Amongst the fallen leaves and grass. I thought he was dead, though I would never pass him off as so until he just simply did not come out of his cocoon. I was not going to give up on him.

As anyone can tell, I have a thing for butterflies. As previously mentioned, the concept of them turning from something so basic to something that is free, can fly, and is among the most beautiful of all creatures is astounding. When I was a little girl, it was astounding that they could turn from an ugly worm into something so beautiful. I wanted to turn into a beautiful person when I grew up. So I loved butterflies. If they could do it, maybe, maybe I had a chance. As I grew, the concept of the metamorphosis sunk in deeper and butterflies came to mean more than simple beauty.

From slow and crawling on their bellies to being the owners of pure freedom! They grow wings!

They go from eating leaves and weeds and anything they can to drinking nectar.

From an existence focused solely on surviving to the next stage of their life, where chance is 90% of success, they become gods of their kind. They create life by fertilizing flowers and creating more of their own kind (albeit ugly worms again, but still they grow to be just like their parents). They have reached that next stage of their life. They are living their lives to the fullest at this point and meeting the objective of their creation. They are the epitome of success.

So as you can imagine, I became quite attached to the little guy, anticipating this life for him. His cocoon was attached to long blades of grass that we could pick up and examine him more closely (I have since trimmed those down so that he could be left alone). One day I expressed my fear of his death to a coworker who then picked him up. We both saw him wiggle. He was alive! And every now and then when I’m looking at just the right time, I’ll see a tiny little movement, reassuring me that he still is. I love it.

I did as much research as I could and this is what I discovered: Little Xanthone (we named him Xanthone after the main component found in the main fruit that our company is based around) is a moth. So much for my illusions of a butterfly life for my little guy. He will aspire to be a moth. I always knew this was a possibility, though. A 50/50 chance, if you will.

Despite the moth-ness of his nature, I just can’t help but still love him the same as when I thought he could possibly be a butterfly. Let’s think about this: ugly worm to creature with wings. Course, it’s a creature that comes out at night. But still. It is amazing in and of itself.

I deepened my research and I think I’ve narrowed down what type of moth he is and if he is, he is so cool! For example: Moths can hear bats before bats can hear them. Gives them a great advantage. THIS moth, however, can actually talk back to the bats. Well – communicate back, it’s not like they’ve got words. But seriously. How much greater of an advantage is that?!

Moths can also remember things they learned as a caterpillar. Don’t ask me how they discovered that one, but they did. This makes moths quite smart. Helloooo…insect? Thinking? Learning? All I have to say is this: I knew it! Every living thing has more than just instincts. They’ve all got personality, too, right down to plants. This is what I believe.

I have found some pictures of what Xanthone could look like when he emerges. I personally think he is beautiful and I am excited to see him. He is due the end of this month.

And as soon as the butterfly caterpillars come out, rest assured that I shall be raising at least one of those, too. I love things like this!

He's Half of Who I Am

I said I’d have something happy to write about and I do! His name is JJ.


First thought when I said "his?" A crush? A new fling? A new boyfriend? No, not so. Trivia on Alaina: first thought when I say “his” followed immediately by “JJ” should go straight to “Awww, cute! Her brother!”

Yesh, JJ is my little bro. And a very good one at that. I have recently moved back home and over the last few months, I’ve watched this 18-year-old boy and have quite frankly been amazed. And envious. I wish I could be like him in SO many ways!

Here’s a little story of my adorable brother. He was in the High School play this year, for which you have to be in a class of close to 100 people, all of whom are in the play. For an entire semester, they worked side-by-side, spending hours of over(school)time on the lines of the script, the set, the costumes, the rehearsals, other productions, etc. You get to know people real well in such a setting. Semester ends and the class is dissolved. A sad moment, as you can imagine, for friendships are forged and lives are changed forever from being touched by another life that is different from all others.

An assembly is held at the end where 15 awards are given out. What these awards were is similar to “cutest couple,” and “most likely to be famous.” The titles were pre-chosen by the teacher, I believe, and the students voted on who should get them. I don’t know what the titles were, I wasn’t there. I was just told this story by my mom the next day because she was at the assembly.

All 15 awards were handed out like so: “Award for [insert title]. You voted for [insert name]!” [insert much shouting and applause, the winner accepting a physical token of said award, and the moving on to next award]

After all awards had been handed out, the teacher proceeds to give a little speech that went something like this (and JJ may roll his eyes at me for botching this):

“Every production needs someone who is the comic relief. When tempers rose, this person knew just what to say and how to say it to lighten the mood and make everyone feel better. He knew exactly how to make us all laugh and when to do it….who did you vote for?”

The ENTIRE class screamed without hesitation in one voice JJ!! And they kept on screaming and clapping as he walked up to accept his award. I can imagine his walk and it’s probably best that I wasn’t there. I cried at the storytelling. I would have cried harder had I been there to witness it.

That, folks, is my brother. He knows how to work with people, he knows how to deal with them.

And he knows how to pull out my favorite part of me.

I have a complex that I am the most boring person that I know. I feel dull and unentertaining and unpopular and blah, blah, blah. But when I am with JJ, I swear, he makes me feel like the funniest, most awesome person to be around! How does he do that? I just don’t know.

Last night we were watching X-Men II since we’d both recently seen X-Men Origins. The night before, we’d watched the first one. Last night I felt myself getting hyper and the more he reacted, the freer I felt! I didn’t feel trapped by that stupid complex. I felt like it didn’t matter what I was like and I didn’t have to impress – he’d still care for me no matter what. And damn it! I was FUNNY that night! I had ME laughing! Like, hard!

I don’t know what it is about him, but he can make you forget about what you think is wrong with you. When you’re with him, just for those few moments, you are free of those depressing thoughts. You are just you as you were always meant to be. All because he has somehow nonverbally invited you to become that person in his presence.

Now can you see why I want to be like him?

Welcome to Sin City!

Last weekend I went to Vegas/Sin City/Home of the lowest morals and the highest prices anyone could ever find. Pretty much. It was awesome.

At first.

Then it just got tiring. But overall it was still fun and I liked it. I re-learned a little something about myself that's kinda put me in a pissy mood for the last few days, but hey. That happens. The activities, however, were great. Worked my ass off, played hard, slept little (that part sucked, though).

I went with my work for a regional we had where our distributors came from all over to get pumped up about selling, possible new products, and the renewing of old products. I worked the store there and, despite how busy it gets, you just can’t help but smile when they come to your register because of how energetic and enthusiastic they are. They’re always so happy and nice at such events. Makes it easy to keep going when you’re so low on rest.

On our down times, we walked the strip for a couple hours, ate at expensive restaurants and gambled. Well, I did. I’d planned to do a bit more like watch the Bellagio fountains and such, but that didn’t end up happening because I got too tired and just did not want to walk anymore. Can you blame me? Walking for hours, on my feet all day, rarely sitting down…my feet were killing me! The fountains were who knew how far away from where we were at the time, so…I just gave in and didn’t go. My friend was sweet enough to let me and we just went back to our hotel. Then we talked until we were too tired to talk anymore. That was probably my favorite part of the whole trip. And that’s saying something, because I had a lot of fun with a lot of people. She’s one of the best people I know. I could never say enough good about her or about the good she’s done for me.

Another highlight was one of the funniest people I know. She absolutely cracks me up! She had me doubled over while I was trying to walk. She made it easier to keep going when my feet were screaming at me to just stop already. She made it fun, too.

Sometimes you just need to get away, but ultimately, if you don’t go with the right people, you don’t get the break you need. They make all the difference and make the trip worthwhile. A brief shout out to the people who make my life worthwhile (even those who don’t yet know about this blog). You’re the best and I pray to one day return the gesture.

This pic was taken with my IPHONE when my CAMERA
woulnd't take a good enough one!
Go camera phones!
I love Vegas at night!

Why Life?

So I know this girl whose situation kinda makes me sad, so I thought I’d write about it.

I’ve known her for quite a while. In Jr. High all she dreamt about was being a mother. It didn’t seem like one of those “I want to be married soooo bad one day” things. Not at all. It was all about the children. She loved children. Her aunt had a professional daycare that she loved to go to and visit. She babysat a lot and the kids loved her. She could take care of babies a couple weeks old to children who were almost her age. Her whole existence was about family, especially about her own one day. She knew that someday she’d be a good mother.

Her dreams continued throughout high school and college. Now, seriously, do NOT get me wrong – she wasn’t ever focused on marriage, marriage, marriage. She did dream of getting married, but not for the wedding day. It was for the rest of the life experiences that came with marriage. The trials, the good times, the children, the companionship…. It was everything. From the way she talked, it seemed as though she’d never actually given a second thought to the dress she’d wear, the colors she’d have for the reception, or the time of year she’d prefer the wedding to be. It wasn’t about the day like it was for so many other girls I knew (which got SO old SO fast!).

Toward the end of college, a series of unfortunate events began happening. Eventually they interfered with the promise of her dream of a family – the husband, the children, the whole package. I’ve rarely seen anyone so down. The light in her eyes is dead, when she talks and isn’t putting up a front, her voice is dull; she’s stopped caring about anything. Around most everyone she’s got a rather good mask she wears. It seems that people can’t tell something is wrong now. No one knows her biggest dream has died, and with it, a part of her. Even her close friends, though, who do see more of her, don’t see the whole of her. She hides from us a little. I think it’s so that we won’t feel as bad for her as we would. But I can see there’s more to it than she’s letting on. I kinda wish she could just talk, but I understand how it goes – sometimes, even when you want to, you just don’t have the words. And then there’s the hesitancy to worry others more than is necessary. So I can see her point of view in hiding a little, even from those close to her.

It doesn’t look like she’s going to make it much longer and she has welcomed the idea. That dream was everything to her and to live without it, to never be a mother she says isn’t worth living without; she’d rather this be the end anyway. The idea has made me cry sometimes. She’s working on saying goodbye to those she loves, getting things wrapped up before she isn’t here anymore, and it’s lucky that she’s got the time. But it’s kinda sad to me. I put myself in her shoes and real tears form. I hope things will be happier for her “on the other side.” Kinda makes you wonder what the hell this life is for.

ADD!

Oh how I love these things: my car, my iPhone, my iPod, energy shots, the idea of having a laptop, organizing my agents’ folders. Can I think of anything else? These are some of my obsessions. Just some, mind you. And right now, all I can think of is … well, not them, actually. I can’t think at all right now. I can’t focus! O’ whatever shall I do, whatever shall I do?

I wonder how Shakespeare wrote like that with the O’s and the thou’s and thee’s, wilt’s and shalt’s? And how the hell did we evolve from that kind of language to this now? I sure am not complaining! I prefer this language by far. Have you ever heard Old English? Sounds like German. No wonder German is easier to understand than any other language without ever having studied it. Entertains me, really.

Another thing that entertains me is how they just make up words. That’s what I hear, anyway, from someone who used to live there. If they don’t have a word for it, they combine words and make one really long word to describe what they’re trying to get across. I think that is genius! Something liiiiike…”I’m in the mood to do something spontiferous.” See? Spontaneous and Terrific (ish) at the same time. “Has to be a great activity. I have to be overly excited about this spontaneous event! No movies. Those are just spontinomal.” (Spontaneous yet normal.) I got this down.

So this blogging thing is calming down my ADD. This is good since I have to be here extra long today. It’s the end of the month; always a fun time for us here at my job.

Oy, now I’m getting ADD about writing in this, so I shall depart. Hopefully next time I will be more focused and able to write for real.

The End.

SWF Searching for Cure

I had an epiphany today: I take myself way too seriously. This is a depressing thought to me. Very depressing.

I’m pretty sure I was born with this disability. Now that I can identify it, I recall very clearly doing this when I was in elementary school. Would you like me to spell that out for you? E-L-E-M-E-N-T-A-R-Y. Want proof? Here it is:

I had crushes, just like any kid. All my friends wrote, “I love so-and-so” all over the place, including the bathroom stalls. Some of them knew who I liked, but even then I didn’t like advertising it. When they would tease me and say, “Alaina loves so-and-so,” this was my response (are you ready for this? Keep in mind that I am somewhere between 7 and 10 when I said this)… “I don’t love him, I only like him. I’m too young to know what love is.”

Haha! Are you kidding me?

This was my theme for years. I knew that one day I would find out what love really was, but today was not that day. So for now, I only had crushes. Strong though they may have been, they were still only crushes for me. When I was 16, I even me the guy I was “going to marry,” but I still only had a crush. I knew I would fall in love when the time was right and for some reason, it just wasn’t right. I didn’t understand that if I was going to marry him, but I accepted it for what it was and kept going with my life.

Boyfriends came and went and I was constantly aware that I did not love any of them. Until one. I finally knew what love was. It was true love, too – I literally would have died for him.

Aaaaand it didn’t work out. So now what happens to me? Just take a wild guess. Being one who takes herself too seriously, I hang onto that idea of the love that existed and won’t let go of it. I stop having crushes. “If I can’t have it again, I just won’t ever get close to a serious relationship again.” I don’t even give guys a chance anymore – they’ve become toys for me and people that I keep at a distance no matter what. If he has any hold on me, it’s that I like having him around or I feel obligated to. Any guy who says he is interested in me makes me laugh hysterically behind his back.

I need to change, but I don’t know how to. I need a cure. I am certainly not saying that I need a guy to enter my life and change me. That’s not going to happen. The change has to come from inside. I need to learn somehow on my own that it’s ok to loosen up and let people in. I need to re-learn that it’s ok to have crushes – just because I fell in love once does not mean that I have to find a crush that I could fall in love with this time. It could be one of those high school crushes. And most of all, I need to learn what I never knew how to do: just let go and enjoy life as it comes. Don’t wait so long for something to happen. Live in the moment. Make the little things that matter happen now so that I have memories later. I shouldn’t look forward to the future saying that the moment I’m in isn’t the one I’m waiting for.

So. Any ideas on how to create change inside oneself? I am definitely open to suggestions. Until I get some, however, I guess I just gotta start practicing focusing on the things in front of my face. No more glazed eyes looking far off in the distance. The new me begins now, even if it is slowly. She’ll speed up as she learns to walk. Hopefully this is the cure I’m looking for.